


Balance

by danisnopeonfire



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cuddling, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-09 00:50:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5519390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danisnopeonfire/pseuds/danisnopeonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After returning home from their first radio show, Dan and Phil take some time to cuddle and reflect on the evening’s events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balance

Dan has always liked to pride himself in being the talkative one. He’s no extravert, not by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s pretty good at knowing what to say and when to say it. Within two minutes of meeting someone, he can pinpoint exactly how much they’re going to contribute to the conversation and whether he’ll need to carry most of it for them, using carefully constructed questions and forthcoming gestures. It’s something he’s always been good at; talking comes _naturally_ to him.

But right now, he’s literally tongue-tied.

He’s also about 40% aware of the fact that all his body weight is leaning against Phil’s shoulder as they climb the stairs to their apartment. The other 60% of his mind, the larger half that is nothing but a jumbled amalgam of disarray, is back at the BBC, specifically in the studio they were performing in merely an hour ago. _Their_ studio.

“Have you got the keys?” Phil’s voice is there—Dan can _hear_ it—but it’s more like white noise than a distinguishable sound. When he gets no response, Phil nudges Dan’s shoulder. “Dan? Keys?”

Dan looks away from their front door slowly and meets Phil’s gaze.

“In my pocket,” he says softly.

Phil rolls his eyes when Dan doesn’t make any attempts to retrieve them. He does an entire stop-and-search inspection of Dan’s body, checking and patting around all his pockets until he finally finds the keys in his back one.

“You need to wake up a bit.” Phil presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead as he opens the door and holds it open for him to walk in first. “You’ve been silent the whole way home.”

“Yeah,” Dan says absently. He heads straight for the lounge and sends an apologetic glance to the couch before collapsing all of his weight onto in one hefty go. He’s pretty sure, although not _completely_ sure, that he can hear Phil saying something from the kitchen, but his ears aren’t working properly. In fact, _none_ of his senses are working properly.

His body feels like it’s completely locked still, as though he’s thrashing around wildly inside a straightjacket without any way of getting out. Everything around him is moving but Dan is held down by his own disbelief. Or is it excitement? He honestly can’t tell anymore. He’s dipped into so many different emotions this evening that he’s lost track of which one’s which.

Phil joins him in the lounge a few minutes later, now dressed down to his pyjamas and glasses. He offers Dan a sleepy smile and Dan does his best to return it, but the signals his brain is sending to his body are getting lost somewhere along the way. He may as well be _paralysed._

There’s a brief interlude of subdued silence in which Phil just stands there watching, and then Dan feels the sofa dip down as Phil sits on the other side to him. The silence returns again after that. It’s really nice, Dan thinks. It’s not even raining outside so their living room feels and sounds like an Anechoic chamber. Or as close as one can get in the middle of London.

Dan has just about managed to work himself into an almost unconscious state when the sound of Phil moving around on the couch causes him to blink his eyes open.

“Hey.” Phil rubs a hand over Dan’s shoulder to get his attention and then opens up his arms. “C'mere. Don’t go falling asleep on me just yet.”

In his state of paralysed sleepiness, Dan crawls up the sofa and collapses into Phil’s arms, lying between his legs on his side, with his cheek pressed into Phil’s chest. He inhales deeply and then immediately regrets his decision; Phil’s familiar scent is just making him even _more_ sleepy.

“Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed?” Phil’s voice is a gentle murmur as he slowly drags his fingers through Dan’s hair, giving him an inadvertent scalp massage.

Dan nods into the fabric of Phil’s shirt. “I think I’m in denial. Like, I can’t believe what happened tonight actually happened.”

Phil chuckles softly. “Ditto.”

“You’re so calm, though?” Dan lifts his head and studies the smile on Phil’s lips. “I don’t understand how.”

Phil shrugs. “I guess I’m just better at compartmentalising my emotions.”

Dan scoffs and drops his head into Phil’s shoulder. “Yeah, cause _that’s_ what it is.”

“I’m still overwhelmed though,” Phil mumbles, pressing his nose into Dan’s hair. “Like, it still feels weird for me to say out loud that we were actually presenting our own radio show tonight.”

“ _Shhhh_!” Dan frantically plugs his fingers in his ears. “Don’t say it out _loud_ , Phil! You’re going to make it real if you do that!”

Phil frowns. “Why is that a bad thing?”

There’s a brief pause in which Dan considers not answering Phil’s question because, honestly, he’s not too sure of the answer himself. He’s not sure why this step they’ve taken together into a new career is so daunting. Everything in their lives right now feels like it’s encompassed in a thick blanket of fragility, and one false movement will cause it all to shatter and disappear.

“I guess I…I don’t feel like all these _amazing_ things that are happening to us are actually _happening_. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life through a looking-glass. It all seems so two-dimensional.”

That’s a long and convoluted way of saying he can’t keep up with everything that’s happening to them right now, but Dan has never been infamous for his simplistic personality.

Phil’s silent for a good few minutes. Dan wonders if he’s going to reply at all; he just keeps carding his fingers through Dan’s hair without a sound. Eventually, he arches his back upwards, stretching out the muscles in his shoulders, and then relaxes back into the sofa. Dan closes his eyes again.

“This is as real as it’s going to get, Dan.” Phil’s voice is pensive and holds an even balance between patience and curiosity. “You just need to allow yourself time to feel everything that’s happening.”

“I know that.” Dan smiles and mouths small kisses along Phil’s chest, working gradually until he meets his gaze. “I do. I’m just stuck in a state between wanting to do everything at once and wanting to watch everything happen from a distance.”

“Doesn’t sound like the worst place to be,” Phil points out.

“In theory, no,” Dan says. “But when you’re trying to juggle everything so that you can get the most out of every opportunity, it feels like you’re going through life with your eyes closed. I need to get the balance right.”

Phil presses a kiss into his hair. “I think you need a nap.”

“Alright, _d_ _octor_.” Dan rolls his eyes.

“I’m serious!” Phil’s laugh is the most tangible thing he’s heard all evening. So familiar. “All this talk about missing opportunities…I’m scared you’re bailing on me here.”

“You’re stupid.” Dan breathes out as he closes his eyes and gets into a more comfortable position. “Stay with me while I sleep?”

He can feel Phil’s smile against the top of his head, silly and soft and _everything_ that he needs right now.

“Always.”


End file.
